Do you always feel anxious or shy talking to girls — especially the pretty ones?
Does trying to strike up a conversation with pretty girls feel like pushing a massive boulder uphill like Sisyphus?
I know that talking to women may not come naturally to you right now, but if you want to talk to a girl with confidence and ease, there’s a simple practice you can do.
If you want to connect with others but you feel shy, or you don’t know how, or the anxiety of talking with women is too much for you to face right now, you can start to …
Practice making small talk with women
You can go to any public place where you’ll find it easy to start a conversation… like parks, markets, or bookstores.
If you don’t know how to approach girls, you can wait until one is close to you or until she is by your side and sees you before you initiate a conversation.
If she seems preoccupied, you don’t have to force starting a conversation; if she’s free or not doing anything, you can talk to her.
First, smile. Smiling is essential when you’re meeting girls, you see.
Then, ask how her day is going. “Hi, how are you doing today?”
She could reply, “I’m doing well, thanks for asking. And you?” (Or not. If that’s the case, you can move on like nothing happened. Otherwise, you may continue the interaction.)
You could be having an interesting conversation right now — with a girl.
During the conversation, you’ll want to ask open-ended questions to allow her to share more about herself. Of course, you can share something about yourself, too. Additionally, you can make some lighthearted comments or tell a joke.
“I’m not usually this shy. I’m just not used to talking to pretty women.”
Then, if you forget what you’re supposed to say, you can gracefully exit the conversation by wishing her a good day.
“Well, it was nice talking to you. I hope you have a good day.”
It doesn’t have to be a long conversation. You can even end it after smiling and saying “Hi.” You can practice starting conversations and focus on just saying “Hello.” It is up to you how you want to go about it.
Don’t worry about trying to get her number or anything like that, either. Just focus on having a conversation and listening to what she says. Why? Because focusing on trying to get her number or forcing yourself into an outcome will only make you more nervous.
Moreover, you don’t want to have any outcome to worry about. You are just out enjoying your day, being social and friendly.
Of course, there will be times when you’ll meet a woman who’ll want to talk to you more. Especially when the conversation is going well, she’ll want to continue chatting with you. If you feel like she does, ask for her number or invite her for coffee. Don’t think about anything else and just ask. Don’t expect anything, though.
If you can do this often, a belief will be imprinted in your psyche that you can talk to women. And when you can talk to anyone you want, even a pretty woman, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll want to keep doing it.
So take the first steps and keep practicing. Talking with women will become familiar and easy eventually.
However, if just the thought of talking to a woman is enough to get your heart pumping and start to make you dizzy, you can leave it for now and try something a little more manageable.
Take slow baby steps
If you find the above practice a bit too challenging, no worries.
You don’t have to dive in head first into challenging situations. You can slowly dip your toes. You can ease into your practice of talking to women by taking incremental steps to build your confidence and social skills.
For example, before you meet new people, you can start talking with women you know and find comfortable being with, like your friends or coworkers.
Since you have an existing rapport, the conversation with them should flow naturally. And should not be too challenging.
Of course, you are not looking for a challenge yet.
What you want is to get used to interacting with women without feeling the pressure of trying to impress them. It’s about enjoying the conversation and building your foundation.
Later on, when you want to take it up a notch, you can push yourself to initiate conversations with women you don’t know well — still in low-pressure situations.
Where do you meet these women? You can join social groups or events aligned with your interests. The conversations here often revolve around shared passions and are often casual and low-pressure.
Again, take these gradual steps at your own pace. You don’t need to rush to overcome your shyness overnight. Trust that every step you take increases your confidence, and you are becoming more at ease talking with women.
Then you can practice striking up conversations with women you encounter in your everyday life. Remember to keep it simple and polite.
You want to have as many interactions as you can with different women because the variety of interactions you have will greatly help you become more comfortable and skilled in each situation you navigate.
Oh, that’s right. Even at each step, you can still split those into tiny steps and increase each challenge bit by bit. What do I mean?
For example, if you feel shy looking at her eyes, then practice making eye contact. At first, try it with yourself in front of a mirror.
Then once you can confidently hold eye contact with her, smile. Then you can say ‘hi’ and so on.
The important thing is that you continue to …
Practice talking to girls with patience
The only way to make talking with women easier is to do it more. So you should practice with patience like learning any new skill.
But there’s another reason you should be patient with yourself.
Ever wonder why your heart races when you’re about to talk with a beautiful woman?
This is how your body reacts to sudden stress.
When this stress piles up too much, your system overloads. When the system gets overloaded, what happens?
So how do you overcome freezing?
With practice and training, you can overcome this panic.
This means embracing discomfort and gradually exposing yourself to manageable levels of stress. Doing this can help build your confidence.
When you start feeling anxious, do not run from it. Instead, practice conscious breathing.
To help yourself remain calm: Take a deep breath in, then exhale slowly, pausing for a couple of seconds. Repeat this process.
Conscious breathing helps you stay grounded when you’re feeling overwhelmed, calms your nerves, and helps you regain focus.
When you learn to control your stress, what once seemed intimidating will become more manageable with practice. It’s all about staying calm in the face of challenges.
You can’t build social confidence in a day. Only through consistent interactions will you gradually build your confidence and conversation skills.
As you become more comfortable, your shyness will become more manageable, making it easier and more natural to engage in meaningful conversation with girls you like and admire.
The more you do something, the better you get at it.
That is the power of practice.
It’s all about taking it one step at a time.
So gradually expose yourself to situations that make you feel shy so you can …
Build your confidence and conversation skills
When you talk to a girl, the more you worry that you’ll do something wrong, the more likely you’ll make a mistake.
That’s why it’s important that you have confidence around women.
Aside from helping you make a positive impression, when you feel self-assured:
- You can make her feel comfortable;
- You are able to express yourself better;
- It can lead to a more engaging conversation;
- You can remain calm even if things don’t go perfectly;
- She will find you more appealing to talk with.
All these make your practice of talking with women smooth and less bumpy.
So how do you build confidence with women? Well for starters, you have to be comfortable with being who you are.
And then there’s practice. Why?
Because confidence also comes from competence. When you feel capable, it naturally boosts your confidence. So the more you practice the more confident you become.
As you know, the more you interact with different people, the more comfortable you become in social settings. But why?
It’s all thanks to your brain’s ability to change and adapt.
You see when you repeatedly engage in social interactions, your brain forms new neural pathways that make it easier to do so in the future. Neurons used frequently are reinforced and develop stronger connections.
That’s how talking with various women helps to build your conversation skills. And as you become more skilled in talking with women, the experience refines your abilities.
- You’ll know how to navigate different scenarios, what topics to talk about, and what social cues to be aware of.
- You’ll understand the unwritten rules and expectations better.
- You’ll learn how to cope with your anxiety, how to start and maintain conversations, and how to deal with awkward or uncomfortable situations.
Knowing all these allows you to handle various challenges and misunderstandings. Thus, you feel more assured in yourself and your abilities.
What’s more, each positive experience you have of making her laugh, having interesting conversations, and forming connections reinforces that belief in yourself, adding to your confidence in your ability to handle future interactions.
That’s how success breeds confidence.
The more competent you feel, the less anxious you tend to be because there’s simply less reason to be nervous about.
This is what allows you to be yourself, comfortable, and confident with women.
Furthermore, when you know you can handle the conversation well, the women you talk with will sense this. And you get better interactions as a result, creating a positive feedback loop and raising your skills and confidence higher and higher until you become a social butterfly.
So be sure to learn from your interactions with women. Reflect on them and continue to refine your skills. And get ready to fly!
Handy tips to help your practice of talking with women
Here are a couple more tips you can use in talking with women:
- Acknowledge and understand your shyness. Then, plan your practice of talking with women based on this awareness so you can make yourself less insecure.
- Find a low-pressure easy environment where you can meet different people and start conversations easily. For example, a dog park. You can also volunteer your time so you can meet women who are doing amazing things.
- Show you’re friendly and approachable. Make eye contact and smile.
- Avoid the anxiety of going blank by preparing a few openers or questions before starting a conversation with a girl.
- Create opportunities for conversation. Stand next to a woman while you’re waiting for your order. Or walk your dog so it ends up next to her dog. Let the dogs catch up first before you talk to her.
- Start with simple conversations. Talk about her day, her interests, the latest news, the book she’s reading, or even the weather. Anything really. You can use any small talk or light topics to break the ice.
- Conversations can be tricky at the start. Before you find your balance, you can expect a weird few minutes. Expect this. You’re going to feel a bit nervous. But you get used to it the more you practice.
- Be how you are around the people you are comfortable with.
- Focus on having a friendly conversation and building rapport. Don’t put pressure on yourself.
- Celebrate your victories. You can create a checklist you carry with you to keep track of your progress, as well as reflect on what went well and what you need to improve on.
- Everyone can get shy. It takes practice to get comfortable talking to women you don’t know. Keep practicing and you’ll get there. Where? Carnegie Hall!
- Practice being in the moment. What you need to say often is what comes up in the moment. It is also often the best thing you can say.
- Pay attention to your body language. Don’t cross your arms or avoid eye contact.
- Talk slow. Talking fast will increase your nervousness. Talking slowly helps to articulate your thoughts. Slow down. No tiger is chasing you.
- Stop thinking about getting something out of women. Just focus on the conversation you are having at the moment and talk to her without expecting anything.
- Really listen to what she has to say. And just enjoy the conversation for what it is — a friendly chat.
- Everyone makes mistakes. So don’t beat yourself up if you say something awkward. Learn from it and move on. Reflect on what went well and what you need to improve.
- Work on reframing your mindset. Shift your focus from what can go wrong to what can go amazingly well. Being curious about others helps a lot.
- Boost your social confidence with the challenges from The Collection of Confidence.
Talking to women when you’re shy will not be a walk in a dog park if you don’t put in some effort to practice.
Practice being friendly so it becomes natural, even if people are not friendly back. Don’t worry about them. Many people are polite enough to engage in conversations. Women won’t want to appear rude, either, to someone who is just being friendly.
It’s better to create a simple plan suited to your needs. For example, become comfortable talking to women in a non-romantic setting first before you start talking to women you’re interested in.
The idea is to gradually expose yourself to what makes you shy. It may even take some time to get used to it. But in time, you’ll get used to it.
Being nervous is normal. Girls get nervous, too.
Nervousness is a natural reaction to stress. When you’re meeting someone new, you don’t know what to expect. So you worry about being rejected. That creates a certain level of stress.
But the more prepared you are, the less nervous you will feel. This means practicing the skill, learning, and calming your mind and body helps you to cope with the nervousness and the shyness.
So take a class or workshop on communication if you have to, so you can learn to be more confident and articulate when you talk.
Most of all, be patient. You may not see results immediately. It can take time and practice to become comfortable talking to women.
One more thing. I think it will be helpful if you develop mental discipline and resilience — this is true even if you are not shy — if you want to overcome any challenge. You can get started with The Mental Toughness Handbook.